It's Not My Shame, It's His

When I was 16 years old I was the victim of a child predator. Only those close enough to me know this because it’s not something that I just throw out for the world to know. The reason I’m telling “my story” is I want to give other young girls who are in this position the strength to go to someone they trust and tell. Having to tell my parents was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it was by far one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Who knows what would have happened if I’d have kept quiet. I could have been raped or worse off, killed.

I’ll start off at the beginning. It started off innocent, but it didn’t stay that way for long.

Some of this may seem out of order, but that’s how it kind of is in my head. It’s very vivid, but at the same time a big blur.

It was around Christmas time when we started to go over to a family friend’s house. As we spent more time there we eventually met his neighbor. His neighbor was very nice and seemed like a normal guy. He even had a wife and a young son. Everything was fine.

Through time he learned my family was having a hard time financially and wanted to help out and bought me and my brothers a few gifts, what we considered to be a blessing and were appreciative. We even spent Christmas morning together and had a great breakfast. Not long after he learned I was very interested in computers and at that time I learned he was a marine who worked with computers on the base and offered to show me what his work consisted of. I saw it as a potential career. My parents did too and I decided to go with him. That’s how he got my number. One thing I do want to point out is we’d already know him quite a while so it’s not like I just went off with a random stranger. My parents were and still are very protective and he was the first person I’d ever been allowed to go somewhere with, aside from family.

I went with him one morning and after that is when things started to change. He said a few things throughout the day that I thought of as odd, but I dismissed the feeling. As time went on he began texting me a lot. He’d tell me I forgot to give him a hug bye that night or that he couldn’t wait to see me again and that he was a real friend to me. I should have said something then but I didn’t. I thought I could handle it myself by ignoring the situation and hoping he’d just get the clue that I wasn’t interested.

As time continued on he’d start holding things above my head saying that he helped out my family and that I got what I wanted, when in reality I hadn’t asked for anything at all. He’d tell me I need to live my own life and would say I was making excuses if I didn’t want to go see him. All mind games that eventually started to take their toll.

My family would still go over there because no one knew anything. We were just two families hanging out, having a good time together around a bon fire, barbecuing or riding quads.  Though I knew it was wrong, part of me liked the attention I was getting, and that scared me. I’d dread going over there because I didn’t want to see him, but I’d look forward to it at the same time.  I’d take my friends with me because I didn’t want to be alone with him. In my mind, that was how I was protecting myself, at least for the time being.  There were these gut feelings that told me everything was all wrong when he’d hug me goodbye but I’d always try and justify it. I would say to myself that he was just a friendly guy because I’d see him hugging my dad or give my brother a high five or whatever. I just didn’t really know how to handle the situation and tried not to think about it.

I told him quite a bit over text that I didn’t feel comfortable talking with him, but then he’d play the guilt card and at one point even asked if I had any friends that would like to talk to him since I didn’t want to. He’d talk about my virginity and tell me that I needed to relax and not be so stressed out, which is ironic because he was my biggest stress at that point in my life.

I finally came to the conclusion that I had to tell when I felt like I couldn’t cope anymore and realized the consequences of telling my parents would be far better than not. I was sitting in my room on my bed just bawling with a razor in my hand, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually cut myself. That’s when the realization hit me that I had people who could help me and that loved me and I didn’t need to hurt myself to feel better. He was persistent that I call him but I didn’t. I also knew he was in Washington for some military thing and this was the best time to say something. This was the night before I actually told.

I had to mentally prepare myself all day at school. In my mind there were two possible outcomes. I’d tell and my dad would go to jail because I knew he wouldn’t take it well or I wouldn’t tell and everyone would eventually find out and my parents’ trust in me would be gone.  I didn’t think about the worst possible outcomes until later.

So I got off the bus and when I got home I gave my mom my phone and told her there was something she needed to see. She was shocked and was shaking so much she couldn’t read the words on the screen. I knew my dad’s reaction would be worse.

After work that night he went to our friend’s house and we decided to go there to him. He took the news like I thought he would. He freaked out. Pretty bad. He was pretty mad at me until he realized I was coming to them for help and not actually having a relationship with this guy, who was in his 40’s.

The next day we told his wife, who obviously couldn’t believe it but said she’d had her suspicions because she saw the way he was always talking to me. We also went to the military and I had to talk with detectives and the police. We couldn’t get a restraining order though because he’d never threatened to hurt me.  We got print outs of most of the text messages and to me now it’s obvious and I don’t know why I didn’t stop the situation sooner. Anyways, he didn’t get into any trouble. He got told to not do that again. He didn’t incriminate himself because he knew the right things he could say. He could talk about my virginity, but never outright asked for sex so it was “ok”.

Though it ended good for me and I wasn’t raped or anything like that, it could have ended a lot worse if I hadn’t have said something.

It’s been 2 years since this happened and I was fine that whole time. I put it behind me. I saw him though in the store with his wife and son (she actually stayed with him) a few weeks ago and I froze and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t expect to have that reaction, but I did. I also walked into a classroom at school and his wife is sitting there. I don’t think he should continue to live a normal life. It’s wrong. He’s a potential threat to any young girl. Just because he wasn’t successful with me doesn’t mean he won’t try again. And there was a lot more that was said and that went on, but they kind of fall into the blurred part of it all.

The reason I decided to write all this today was I’ve been thinking about it a lot and it’s bringing up a negative side of me that doesn’t have to be there. He shouldn’t have that power to make me so angry. I’m angry that it lasted for so long and that I didn’t come forward sooner. I’m angry that I somewhat liked the attention that he gave me. I’m angry he didn’t get into any trouble and can do that to another girl. Most girls do not get help. They try and fix it on their own and the outcomes are horrible. If you’re in a situation like this, go to someone for help. These guys are not your friends. They act like it because they’re sick and want one thing. Go to a parent, older sibling, a friend, counselor, teacher, anyone. I know it’s hard but it will all be ok. I can promise you that. Like I said before, it was one of the hardest decisions to make but I’m so glad that I did. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t. Beyond all else, listen to that gut feeling. It is never wrong. If I’d have listened to it from the very beginning it wouldn’t have gone on for as long as it did. It lasted about a month, which is not a long amount of time, but it was the longest month of my life and it still affects me every once in a while. All the scenarios that I thought would happen if I told didn’t happen. My dad didn’t go to jail and if anything my parents trust me more. True, they watch over me more protectively now, but I understand why and I don’t blame them for it.

I’ve been very angry lately and have been having trust issues with my friends, who have been helping me through a lot and I don’t even think they realize how much I love and appreciate them for it. I know what’s right but the little things get to me sometimes. I’m just ready to let all this go and grow from it, which ultimately is what I’m doing right now. I don’t want to be negative and down because it’s not me. I’m a happy person. I love laughter and making others happy. I hope that someone, even if it’s only one person, can benefit from this. If not, that’s ok. Typing this all out has really helped me close this chapter of my life and get rid of a lot of pent up animosity. This shouldn’t be my embarrassment or secret or shame. It’s his.

My Summer/ New House Renovations

     SO. I haven't been on here in forever. I've been busy, but mostly lazy. I haven't done much this summer. Just a few arts and crafts that I should have taken photos of during the process of their creation (This is where the laziness comes in). I've altered some shirts, made a baby blanket, a cute messenger bag and am currently working on refinishing my old desk, which I will post pics of later.
      The biggest thing this summer has been our house remodel. We bought a house that needed quite a bit of TLC and we acted on impulse and decided to fully renovate. That includes floors, walls, plumbing, electrical, exteriors, roof, etc. We're only at the plumbing and electrical stage, but we've made excellent progress considering we've been doing it mostly on our own. It's been the family remodeling with the help of some good friends.

Here are some before pics...

Demolition

Totally gutted. What you don't see is us pulling about a million staples out of the ceiling, walls and floor for like 4 days.

Brand new floors. Because the old ones are icky... Obviously.

Raising walls.

Framing in new windows... My window

 We had a very nice breeze for awhile ;)

Sheeting the outside

Cutting out doors and windows. That is my brother btw.

 And voilá. We have windows!

So as you can see we still have quite a bit of work to do, but it will all get done in time. It started off rough, but by the time we're done, it is going to be a very nice place. Though I haven't done much this summer, it has been very memorable. It's not often you redo an entire house!

My Experience in Every 15 Minutes

   Thursday and Friday I participated in a program called Every 15 Minutes. E-15 is used to teach teens the potential consequences for driving under the influence. On Thursday I was pulled out of class by the Grim Reaper and my face was painted white and black. After that I went back to class had to ignore all the people that were trying to get me to talk. (I was dead, so I couldn't talk). Then we all went to the football field where we watched the SLAM. It was a simulated car crash. It was very scary seeing kids that I know all bloody, and some of them dead. One went "through" the windshield, one was stuck in the back of the car, paralyzed, and the other was airlifted out by helicopter. About 6 others were covered in blood, running around, acting as if they'd just gotten into a car accident.
   After the SLAM we all sat in a classroom for about 4 hours. Naturally we got bored and got creative. There were people playing soccer, twerking, homework, you name it. So when school let out we drove to this nice hotel in our town and checked in and such. That was a very nice hotel and we had a room on the 2nd floor. We had a few hours to chill, or sleep, or just wander around before the speaker came. Most of us went down to the pool. After a few hours the speaker, Wendy Reynolds, came and we played team/trust building exercises then went in to do the next part of the program. At first we talked to a cop about drinking and driving in general. Then Wendy began telling her story. It was very inspirational and eye opening. Her mom, dad, and one year old sister were killed by a drunk driver when she was just five years old. She barely made it and now shares her story, making a difference on countless lives. Most of us were crying, hearing her story, but that was just the beginning.
   Next, she turned out the lights and lit a candle. We passed the candle around and basically spilled our guts. Some spoke of how the program changed their outlook and others shared alcohol related tragedies. It was really, really emotional. I don't think there was a dry eye in that room. I mean, some people were weeping it was so deep. I know all of us in that room are closer and share a special connection.
   The next day we woke up, ate breakfast and headed back to school. Our faces were painted again and we set up the gym for the assembly. It was a mock funeral, in a way, and flowers were placed on a casket. There was also a slideshow of the SLAM and the pictures were too real; it was scary. Then a video was played showing one of my friends, the one that was in the helicopter, dying in the hospital, and the drunk driver being put in prison.. All of us that participated in E-15 were crying. It was so sad seeing someone that we've known for years dying, even knowing it wasn't real. After that, Wendy told her story and then letters were read by friends and family of those that died. (We all had to write letters to friends and family.)
   I was ok until I saw my friends. I don't know why. I guess I just realized how horrible it would be if any one of them were gone. The whole program was very emotional, but it was an experience I'll never forget. I'm very glad I participated and I know I won't ever look at things the same.

Spring Break! Plus Update

Wow, I haven't posted in over a month, but it's ok. My fan-base is pretty small. I'm finally on Spring Break and am trying to enjoy every minute of it. I actually had plans to go to my best friend's house for a few days. She lives 3 minutes walking distance to the beach and it would have been amazing. My parents are very protective and this would have been the first time I was allowed to go do anything without them or a family member. That being said, one of the conditions of me being allowed to go is if my other best friend went with me. My parents felt a lot better that I'd have someone to be with me while my other friend was at school. I don't understand why there isn't a universal Spring Break. Everyone else had theirs like 3 weeks ago. Anyways, she couldn't go last minute, so I can't either. Really kind of ruined my break. I know it wasn't her fault, but I'm a little bitter, even though I know I shouldn't be. I've been planing this for weeks. But, I guess I have something this summer to look forward to.

Other than this, not that much is new. My family is trying to buy a house, so we'll see where that goes. We're looking towards a fixer-upper because those houses are usually a lot cheaper and we have the resources to make it beautiful :) My dad and his friends all do construction, so that's a plus. When we do find the perfect one, I'm sure I'll post pictures of the before/after.. if there are any. It will suck though, because we may be fixing up a house in the middle of the summer, which reaches over 100º easy.

So that's what's going on in my life.
BTW: I would have continued to do the OUAT recaps, but there aren't really any people coming on my blog. This is more of a vent/online diary that will be cool to look through in a few years. If people magically started coming onto here, I'd do them if they were wanted. I just don't see the need to spend so much time writing and such if hardly anyone is going to see them. That also applies to projects and such. If there were people requesting things and such, I'd pull out my sewing machine and tape measure and get crafty :)

Once Upon A Time: Queen of Hearts

This episode starts off in a weird looking castle and someone in a dark cloak is taking food to a prisoner. The cloaked figure turns out to be Hook and the prisoner turns out to be Belle. Belle thinks he is there to kill her but he says he's there to set her free. He wants information on how to kill Rumpelstiltskin and she doesn't know and Hook pulls a douche bag move and says, "Then I'm not here to rescue you." and hits her. He calls her useless and is about to kill her when Regina appears and takes his hook.

She explains only she can help him kill Rumpelstiltskin. She says if Hook helps her she will help him. She then explains the curse and tells him she doesn't want this one particular person to follow her to this new land, her mother.

Back in Storybrooke David is still under the sleeping curse. Regina says he needs true love's kiss, but Gold is doubtful they will make it back because Emma and Snow can only defeat Cora with the squid ink and that they aren't even certain that David was able to pass the message along. They both admit that neither one of them want Cora to come through the portal and Gold says that they must destroy it. Regina realizes that if they destroy it, whoever tries to come through it will die. Gold just says that no matter what happens the result will be a win-win situation because either Cora will be dead or Emma and Snow will be dead and Regina can once again be the only mother to Henry. He says that if they were to die it'd have been an "accident" and Henry wouldn't be angry with her because she was trying to bring them home. Regina says she won't lie to him and is trying to be a good mother. This ticks off Gold to which he replies that if Cora comes through Regina won't be able to be a mother and everyone will be in jeopardy.

Then it goes to the Enchanted Forest in Rumpelstiltskin's Cell. Snow reminisces telling Emma that this was the place where Rumpelstiltskin told her and Charming that Emma would be the savior. Then Aurora finds a very long scroll and Emma's name is written over and over again. They're all puzzled, especially Emma.

Back in Storybrooke Henry is reading to Charming. Regina walks in and asks Henry to stay and watch David because she and Gold have to get the portal ready for Emma and Snow's return.

Then Gold and Regina go down to the mine where all of the magical diamond things are. Gold pulls out a wand and absorbs all of the magic from the crystals.

Then it goes back to the Enchanted Forest and Regina has enchanted Hook's hook so he will be able to rip out Cora's heart. Hook learns he is going to this other land immediately. Regina reveals a fellow named Claude that will be going with him. He's dead, but the rules are 2 go in, 2 come out and vice versa. Regina puts down the hat and Hook is in Wonderland.

Hook is caught and brought to the Queen of Hearts. He says he's looking for someone by the name of Cora and she immediately stands up. They "talk" alone and Hook tries to rip out her heart but he can't. She tells him that he's foolish to believe that she would keep her heart where everyone else does. She then reaches into Hook's chest and begins squeezing his heart. He tells her that Regina wants her dead

 The scene goes to Emma,Snow, Aurora and Mulan in the cell. They're looking for the ink, but only find the jar that held it. Out of frustration Aurora throws the jar at the mechanism that is holding the gate open and it falls, locking them in it. Cora and Hook are there and the compass is whisked away from Emma. Cora also lets on that she has Aurora's heart and that Hook was the one who took it. Emma asks Hook not to do this and he basically tells her she should have trusted him and he ended up killing the giant. He calls Emma useless and says he's done with her. (It sounded more like he liked her because of his tone)

 Next it goes back to Storybrooke and Leroy and Ruby discover the crystals are gone. Ruby and all the other miners go to Gold's shop but only Henry and David are there. Henry realizes that they are using magic and Regina lied to him.

 Back in the cell, Emma is trying to break out of the cell. Snow reminds her good always wins and they have a short conversation.

Then we see Hook and Cora and learn they are going to Lake Nostos. Hook points out the lake is dry and she swirls her fingers and water shoots out of the ground.

The scene quickly jumps to Hook in Wonderland with Cora. Cora tells Hook that he is going to help her and she will help him get what he wants. She explains to him that the curse will not allow them to know who they really are and she will protect him from it. She wants Hook to get Cora close to Regina so Cora can rip her heart out.

Next we see Cora "dead" and Regina wants to be alone with her. Regina tells her mother sorry but she had to kill her because love is weakness and Cora was her weakness, and that's why she couldn't take her to the new land. Regina lays a rose on her chest and says goodbye. Then Hook comes in and asks what hapened and Cora simply says there is a change in plans.

Cora realizes they need to protect themselves from the curse and sets up this force-field type thing. Here we also learn why only a small portion of the kingdom was left untouched by the curse. Cora says that Regina does not need her and that there will be a savior that will break the curse in 28 years and those in the Enchanted Forest under the protection of the force-field will be frozen in time until the curse is broken and then they can continue their quest. I just want to know how she knows this.. Maybe she's in cahoots with Rumpelstiltskin. She says after the curse ends Regina will lose everything and will need her.

Then Back in Storybrooke, Regina and Gold are walking to the place the portal will open. Regina makes a comment about Emma and Snow coming through and Gold just replies that he doubts it will be them.

 Back in the cell Snow is staring at the scroll and realizes Emma's name is written with the squid ink. She blows on the paper and the words start rising from the page. The ink allows them to escape from the cell and Aurora decides to stay behind because Cora has her heart and she can't be trusted. Mulan promises to come back for her.

 At the lake, Cora and Hook are ready to open the portal. They dump in the wardrobe ashes and this happens.

Then Regina and Gold are at the well and start to block the portal. Dark clouds form overhead as Gold creates a storm to begin the curse. He directs the energy and a green lightning bolt shoots down and swirls in the well. Gold says that it doesn't matter who goes through the portal. No one can survive it.

Back at the lake Cora and Hook are just about to jump in as an arrow knocks the compass out of their hands. A fight ensues as Snow shoots arrows and Cora hurls fire. The bag with Aurora's heart gets knocked into the air and is about to go into the portal but Hook saves it. He tosses it to Mulan and she decides to go and take Aurora her heart. She also gives Snow her sword because it deflects Cora's magic. Hook and Emma sword fight for a moment before Emma falls down. I think it's funny because Hook says, "Normally I prefer to do other more enjoyable activities with a woman on her back." Then Emma realizes she is laying on the compass and shows it to Hook which distracts him. This allows her to get up and she punches him with the compass in hand and knocks him out.

Back at the portal in Storybrooke Ruby and Henry arrive. Henry is shocked and disappointed. Ruby realizes it will kill Emma and Snow and Gold swooshes her back and knocks her out. Regina and Gold say that Cora will come thorough but Henry keeps insisting that Emma and Snow are coming through saying that good will always defeat evil.

 Back at the lake it is now Cora vs Emma and Snow and when trying to fight Cora keeps disappearing.

 They try and make a break for it but Cora appears in front and pushes them back with her magic.

 Cora walks up to Snow and says that she's going to give her daughter everything she's ever wanted, Snow's heart. Just then Emma pushes Snow out of the way. This was a truly jaw dropping moment! For Emma and for me!

Cora calls Emma foolish and says that love is weakness. As she tugs to pull out her heart she discovers Emma's heart won't come out and Emma says, "No. It's strength." Then a sort of forcefield comes out of Emma and Cora is pushed back.

Emma is like Oh my God. What was that and Snow basically says lets talk later when we get home. Then they link hands on the compass and jump in the portal.

At the other side of the portal Henry is freaking out trying to get them to stop the curse. He tells his mom if Henry needs to have faith in her, she has to have faith in him. Then Regina draws it out and looks like she's being possessed.

Some sad music plays in the background as they think that Emma and Snow were killed. But then we see a hand!

And out pop Snow and Emma! I love how Emma tells Regina thanks and then that her mother is a piece of work. Haha

 Then Snow runs home to wake up Charming. She kisses him... BUT IT DOESN'T WORK! Just kidding :)

Emma goes to talk to Gold and makes a comment about the game being rigged, referring to the scroll and the fact he could have gotten out. He tells her he didn't use it so everything would happen the way it was supposed to. Emma reminds him that he created the curse and knew everything would happen and that she was the savior. He tells her that he didn't create Emma, he just took advantage of what she was, a product of true love and that is why she is powerful. Emma then realizes Gold doesn't know about what happened between her and Cora. She tells him about how Cora tried to rip her heart out and couldn't and that something inside of her blasted her back. Gold just says it's magic and he didn't do that. She did.

Back in the Enchanted Forest, Mulan puts Aurora's heart back in. Aurora then tells Mulan that Cora told her when a wraith consumes a soul it can be reunited with its body. Then they go off to save Phillip.

Then Cora and Hook are standing at the edge of the lake and Hook pulls the bean from the giant out of his pocket and says that the lake has magical properties.

In Storybrooke, Henry walks up to Regina and tells her she really has changed. Then everyone goes to Granny's for dinner and Regina is left standing alone.Gold walks in and says, "Congratulations. You've just reunited mother and son. Maybe one day he'll even invite you to dinner." I truly do feel bad for Regina. I think she has a good heart on the inside.

At the end everyone is walking down the street towards Granny's.

Then the camera pans up and we see something on the horizon.

Hook and Cora have made it to Storybrooke.