It's Not My Shame, It's His

When I was 16 years old I was the victim of a child predator. Only those close enough to me know this because it’s not something that I just throw out for the world to know. The reason I’m telling “my story” is I want to give other young girls who are in this position the strength to go to someone they trust and tell. Having to tell my parents was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but it was by far one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Who knows what would have happened if I’d have kept quiet. I could have been raped or worse off, killed.

I’ll start off at the beginning. It started off innocent, but it didn’t stay that way for long.

Some of this may seem out of order, but that’s how it kind of is in my head. It’s very vivid, but at the same time a big blur.

It was around Christmas time when we started to go over to a family friend’s house. As we spent more time there we eventually met his neighbor. His neighbor was very nice and seemed like a normal guy. He even had a wife and a young son. Everything was fine.

Through time he learned my family was having a hard time financially and wanted to help out and bought me and my brothers a few gifts, what we considered to be a blessing and were appreciative. We even spent Christmas morning together and had a great breakfast. Not long after he learned I was very interested in computers and at that time I learned he was a marine who worked with computers on the base and offered to show me what his work consisted of. I saw it as a potential career. My parents did too and I decided to go with him. That’s how he got my number. One thing I do want to point out is we’d already know him quite a while so it’s not like I just went off with a random stranger. My parents were and still are very protective and he was the first person I’d ever been allowed to go somewhere with, aside from family.

I went with him one morning and after that is when things started to change. He said a few things throughout the day that I thought of as odd, but I dismissed the feeling. As time went on he began texting me a lot. He’d tell me I forgot to give him a hug bye that night or that he couldn’t wait to see me again and that he was a real friend to me. I should have said something then but I didn’t. I thought I could handle it myself by ignoring the situation and hoping he’d just get the clue that I wasn’t interested.

As time continued on he’d start holding things above my head saying that he helped out my family and that I got what I wanted, when in reality I hadn’t asked for anything at all. He’d tell me I need to live my own life and would say I was making excuses if I didn’t want to go see him. All mind games that eventually started to take their toll.

My family would still go over there because no one knew anything. We were just two families hanging out, having a good time together around a bon fire, barbecuing or riding quads.  Though I knew it was wrong, part of me liked the attention I was getting, and that scared me. I’d dread going over there because I didn’t want to see him, but I’d look forward to it at the same time.  I’d take my friends with me because I didn’t want to be alone with him. In my mind, that was how I was protecting myself, at least for the time being.  There were these gut feelings that told me everything was all wrong when he’d hug me goodbye but I’d always try and justify it. I would say to myself that he was just a friendly guy because I’d see him hugging my dad or give my brother a high five or whatever. I just didn’t really know how to handle the situation and tried not to think about it.

I told him quite a bit over text that I didn’t feel comfortable talking with him, but then he’d play the guilt card and at one point even asked if I had any friends that would like to talk to him since I didn’t want to. He’d talk about my virginity and tell me that I needed to relax and not be so stressed out, which is ironic because he was my biggest stress at that point in my life.

I finally came to the conclusion that I had to tell when I felt like I couldn’t cope anymore and realized the consequences of telling my parents would be far better than not. I was sitting in my room on my bed just bawling with a razor in my hand, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually cut myself. That’s when the realization hit me that I had people who could help me and that loved me and I didn’t need to hurt myself to feel better. He was persistent that I call him but I didn’t. I also knew he was in Washington for some military thing and this was the best time to say something. This was the night before I actually told.

I had to mentally prepare myself all day at school. In my mind there were two possible outcomes. I’d tell and my dad would go to jail because I knew he wouldn’t take it well or I wouldn’t tell and everyone would eventually find out and my parents’ trust in me would be gone.  I didn’t think about the worst possible outcomes until later.

So I got off the bus and when I got home I gave my mom my phone and told her there was something she needed to see. She was shocked and was shaking so much she couldn’t read the words on the screen. I knew my dad’s reaction would be worse.

After work that night he went to our friend’s house and we decided to go there to him. He took the news like I thought he would. He freaked out. Pretty bad. He was pretty mad at me until he realized I was coming to them for help and not actually having a relationship with this guy, who was in his 40’s.

The next day we told his wife, who obviously couldn’t believe it but said she’d had her suspicions because she saw the way he was always talking to me. We also went to the military and I had to talk with detectives and the police. We couldn’t get a restraining order though because he’d never threatened to hurt me.  We got print outs of most of the text messages and to me now it’s obvious and I don’t know why I didn’t stop the situation sooner. Anyways, he didn’t get into any trouble. He got told to not do that again. He didn’t incriminate himself because he knew the right things he could say. He could talk about my virginity, but never outright asked for sex so it was “ok”.

Though it ended good for me and I wasn’t raped or anything like that, it could have ended a lot worse if I hadn’t have said something.

It’s been 2 years since this happened and I was fine that whole time. I put it behind me. I saw him though in the store with his wife and son (she actually stayed with him) a few weeks ago and I froze and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t expect to have that reaction, but I did. I also walked into a classroom at school and his wife is sitting there. I don’t think he should continue to live a normal life. It’s wrong. He’s a potential threat to any young girl. Just because he wasn’t successful with me doesn’t mean he won’t try again. And there was a lot more that was said and that went on, but they kind of fall into the blurred part of it all.

The reason I decided to write all this today was I’ve been thinking about it a lot and it’s bringing up a negative side of me that doesn’t have to be there. He shouldn’t have that power to make me so angry. I’m angry that it lasted for so long and that I didn’t come forward sooner. I’m angry that I somewhat liked the attention that he gave me. I’m angry he didn’t get into any trouble and can do that to another girl. Most girls do not get help. They try and fix it on their own and the outcomes are horrible. If you’re in a situation like this, go to someone for help. These guys are not your friends. They act like it because they’re sick and want one thing. Go to a parent, older sibling, a friend, counselor, teacher, anyone. I know it’s hard but it will all be ok. I can promise you that. Like I said before, it was one of the hardest decisions to make but I’m so glad that I did. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t. Beyond all else, listen to that gut feeling. It is never wrong. If I’d have listened to it from the very beginning it wouldn’t have gone on for as long as it did. It lasted about a month, which is not a long amount of time, but it was the longest month of my life and it still affects me every once in a while. All the scenarios that I thought would happen if I told didn’t happen. My dad didn’t go to jail and if anything my parents trust me more. True, they watch over me more protectively now, but I understand why and I don’t blame them for it.

I’ve been very angry lately and have been having trust issues with my friends, who have been helping me through a lot and I don’t even think they realize how much I love and appreciate them for it. I know what’s right but the little things get to me sometimes. I’m just ready to let all this go and grow from it, which ultimately is what I’m doing right now. I don’t want to be negative and down because it’s not me. I’m a happy person. I love laughter and making others happy. I hope that someone, even if it’s only one person, can benefit from this. If not, that’s ok. Typing this all out has really helped me close this chapter of my life and get rid of a lot of pent up animosity. This shouldn’t be my embarrassment or secret or shame. It’s his.